Leyla

Leyla's story is collected especially for the SHHH project. All informants and stories in this project have been anonymised. All names are changed.

I was pregnant, but something went wrong. I was regularly seeing my gynaecologist. The decision about an abortion was made in my gynaecologist’s office after the ultrasound showed my baby was not alive anymore.

It was a huge disappointment. A horrible ending. I felt I needed to come back stronger.

After I knew my baby was not alive anymore, all I needed was to end the pregnancy and get it done with as soon as possible. But later I figured out that even though ending it physically was just a couple of hours, psychologically it was almost impossible.

Even though I felt like I needed to stay strong and move on, it was devastating for me for a very long time. I blamed my body, myself and mostly my boss for her bullying and putting me under horrible stress.

Now, I have forgiven everyone, including myself. Almost six years after I am in a completely different place in life, but I can’t help wondering: what if I had that baby.