Uta's story is collected especially for the SHHH project. All informants and stories in this project have been anonymised. All names are changed.
I was 32 years old and pregnant for the fourth time by a man with whom I had not had a long relationship. I had been separated from the father of my three sons for some time.
It was immediately clear to me that this was not possible. For one thing, I did not want a child from a man who never wanted children himself. On the other hand, as a mother of three small children, I felt too stressed to have the strength and love for another child.
I did the counseling interview in another city because I did not want my mother, who was very religious, to know about it. I wanted to spare her the grief she would have if she had known that her daughter committed a mortal sin and would go to hell.
The counseling session was fine. They did not try to persuade me to carry the child in my situation. But it was difficult to find a hospital where I could have the abortion. At that time in Bavaria this operation was not allowed to be performed on an outpatient basis but only in an inpatient setting. But then I got an appointment at a hospital not too far away.
The experience there was terrible. I had to stay there for two days. The abortion was done under general anesthesia, because I wanted to be sterilized at the same time. The doctor who treated me let me hear the heartbeat of the fetus before the abortion. He said he couldn't understand why I didn't want the child. I wouldn't be in a bad financial situation after all.
After the abortion, I was very relieved and was fully behind my decision. I still am today. I knew what I was doing. Nobody had the right to influence me. I made the decision on my own because it was my life on the line. It was important that no one at "Pro Familia" wanted to influence my decision. It was also important that everything took place anonymously, because otherwise I would have gotten into trouble with my employer.
The decision was made the moment I knew I was pregnant. The main reason was that I would not have had the love for a fourth child. And every child simply has the right to be loved.
I thought that this was a difficult decision for me because I love children very much. I also thought that maybe this time I would have a daughter, which is what I have always wished for. But I also thought that I would not be able to raise four children and that I had to make this decision, also out of responsibility for my three children. I still think my decision was right today.
I would like to say that the right to an abortion belongs to every woman worldwide, because the child needs the woman's belly to grow, and therefore she must decide whether this possibility exists. The situation must be created so that women everywhere can have an abortion without fear or threat, in a medically safe setting. I also absolutely stand by that abortion must be possible, preferably without compulsory counseling.